Money McBags is back and the markets are selling off a bit as apparently people somehow still care about Greece going bankrupt (but then again, some people also still care about the Poincare conjecture, the etymology of Star Wars languages, and saving the whales, so whatever). Seeing as how Greece hasn't been relevant since the Battle of Corinth or the internet rumor of a Maria Menounos side boob shot, their financial crisis shouldn't be enough to derail the market from rallying back. What should be enough is continued unemployment as new claims for unemployment rose last week by 18k to 460k which was worse than economists' guesses of a drop to 435k. So once again supposed experts even got the coin flip direction wrong (Money McBags told them to call tails instead of heads). Economists are blaming the Easter holiday for some of the variation in the jobs number because the floating holiday comes at a different time each year and seeing as how no calendar existed last year and the day Easter fell on this year was a complete fucking surprise, it makes sense that data to allow economists to properly seasonally adjust for Easter would be difficult to obtain. The Easter excuse is about as plausible as a bunny laying colored eggs, Santa Claus, or a male friendly lesbian (shout out to Chasing Amy on that one, it's too bad Kevin Smith died shortly after that movie came out, he had such promise. And if he didn't die, how does one explain Jersey Girl or you know, the last 10 fucking years of his supposed career?). The positive news on the jobs report is that continuing claims decreased by 131k to 4.5MM which is the lowest it has been since December of 2008 and companies like Home Depot say they are starting to hire more workers. Money McBags is more positive on the economy than he has been in months and is looking to add to his exposures if the market consolidates here.
Internatonally, as mentioned before Greece is still taking up all of the headlines as they try to boost their resume from reality star to working actress status, and if this debt issue doesn't work, they're either going to adopt a Malawan kid or try to get Crete drunk and have octuplets. Bonds of the country are slumping worse than sales of Alan Greenspan's new book: Bubbles for Dummies: How any Dummy can create one. The premium for Greek bonds over German bonds is now 427bps, the highest it has been since the Euro was created and the great deodorant crisis of 1964. Of course, Greece isn't going anywhere so hedge funds, asset managers, and Pete Rose can bet against them all they want, but if the country survived the release of My Big Fat Greek Wedding, it can survive anything. In other international news, China is going to revise their currency policy where they will now let it float and perhaps appreciate as much as 2% against the dollar. This is another small step in trying to prick the Chinese bubble but most importantly, China is trying to do this without using any MSG. Also, Europe is keeping their benchmark rate unchanged at 1% as they hope the cheap cost of capital can pull them out of recession by increasing the sales of black jeans.
In stock news, United and USAirways might be merging which is a little like if syphilis and gonorrhea had a baby and you had to spend 6 hours sitting next to that baby on an LA to NYC flight. Of course this merger fits in with the old adage, two wrongs don't make right (though two Wrights make an airplane, three rights make a left, and I believe four rites make a Scientologist) as two crappy airlines don't make a good one. Also, Citi's failed management team has been testifying before congress where they have promised to tell the truth about how they were more incompetent than Gabirelle Sidibe's dietician or John Edwards penis. Charles Prince opened with: “Let me start by saying I’m sorry,” which was succinct, to the point, and no doubt a great solace to all of the people who lost money due to his criminal risk controls. He then expanded on that by saying: “I’m sorry the financial crisis has had such a devastating impact for our country. I’m sorry about the millions of people, average Americans, who lost their homes. And I’m sorry that our management team, starting with me, like so many others could not see the unprecedented market collapse that lay before us.” Well thanks for that Chuck, really. I am sure every average American will sleep better on their worn out mattresses knowing that you feel badly that you missed the biggest financial crises in the last 80 years even though you were in the fucking center of it. Either you are blinder than Mr. fucking MaGoo after downing a bottle of Wild Turkey or you were just a greedy fuckwad, so let's just be up front about everything. You didn't "not see the unprecedented market collapse" you didn't bother looking for it, which is you know, something on which someone running a bank is supposed to focus, it's called risk fucking management, jeesh. So while you were out getting your teeth whitened for the 38th time, your company wrote, traded, and packaged enough bad loans to help sink the global economy, but Money McBags is glad you are so sorry that you have now permanently relocated to your multi-million dollar Florida mansion where you no doubt sadly eat caviar off of hookers' ass cheeks all day (and just a head's up, that stuff in the crack may not be beluga). But hey, thanks for being sorry dickbag.
In small stock news, JOEZ has been rocketing up into their quarterly results release after hours tonight. Money McBags broke the stock down after their last earnings call and will do so again tomorrow, but in the meantime the stock has become more fashionable than Giselle Bundchen in a pair of their jeans. Money McBags does not get $150 jeans as he understands fads as well as prisoners understand game theory or Tiger Woods understands texting (hey, Tiger, your messages don't just disappear into thin fucking air. A blind person leaves fewer tracks when walking through the mud than you did while cheating on your wife, but kudos to you for being more clueless than a colorblind synthesthesiac). Money McBags will start breaking more stocks down again next week as he is evaluating a number of names. KITD remains his top pick as they have more potential than a slightly overweight 18 year old girl with low self-esteem and no gag reflex. What is interesting about KITD is that their smaller competitor, Brightcove, just raised another $12MM in their 4th round of financing. Brightcove is barely breaking even (so is KITD, though this year KITD should earn at least $.55 and likely closer to $1) but this round of financing should allow them a nice private plane with all of the accoutrements for their likely upcoming IPO road show. Money McBags is creaming at the possibility of Brightcove going public and thus giving analysts/the market/Pauly Shore a public comp for KITD to show how undervalued KITD remains. So keep your eyes on Brightcove (while Money McBags will try to keep his eyes on Michelle Lombardo's not so bright cove) for any news to help with valuation.