Friday, May 7, 2010

5/7/10 Midday Report: The market has no clothes (and sadly, it resembles Abe Vigoda)

Holy fucking shit.  You'll have to excuse Money McBags today because he is still trying to put his limbs back on after jumping from his penthouse apartment during yesterday's volatility which saw the market drop by 9% in 20 minutes.  Whether it was spurred by riots in Greece, a fat finger (or as Portia Di Rossi would call it, "heaven"), or a broken flux capacitor, it is clear that high frequency trading exacerbated the problem and Money McBags is freaked the fuck out.  As a dedicated reader of zerohedge, Money McBags applauds their foresight into, and explanation of, this problem and it is enough to make anyone want to pack it up and join the circus (though if Money McBags were to join the circus, he hopes it would be the Circus of the Stars so he could have the lovely Brooke Shields tame his lion).  Anyway, all of you should read this explanation or simply watch this as Money McBags can offer no better insight in to what happened yesterday and frankly, is liquidating a lot of his shit right now because playing a game where the rules change at any time and you have no control over them is not something Money McBags wants to be a part of unless the game involves Heather Vandeven and the rule changes all involve tickling.  What happened yesterday has made Money McBags feel sicker and more disgusted than he imagines Rosie O'Donnell's kids will feel when they find out where their other mother puts her mouth at night.  If you want more proof of what a sham the current market is, NASDAQ is cancelling the trades of 296 stocks from yesterday.  So if you bought at the drop and made a fuckload of money, you are now left holding a dick sandwich without the bread.  But hey, Money McBags has lost money on trades before so why won't NASDAQ go back and retroactively cancel those?  Who the fuck does Money McBags have to market manipulate or high frequency trade with to get someone to throw him a fucking trade break?  Something about this whole thing smells fishier than Oprah Winfrey's tampon after a 5k.  The market as we know it might be dead, so be smart, and be ready.

In macro news, who gives a shit, but if you do, the US added 290k jobs and yet unemployment rose to 9.9%, as apparently they hired one person to do all 290k jobs.  Economists guessed that 190k jobs would be added so the report was slightly better than expectations but 66k of the jobs added were temporary government jobs to deal with the census so before we reach for any bottles of Dom over a growth in jobs, lets be realistic about what is actually happening.  And to try to keep people's minds off of what happened to the market yesterday, the government revised the jobs numbers from each of the last 2 months upwards.  That's right, March's job adds were revised upward from 162k to 230k and February was revised up from a loss of 14k to a gain of 39k.  Hey, why not just revise each month to a gain of fucking 1MM as long as we are making shit up.  Money McBags believes any of those numbers like he believes in the Lochness monster, dividing by zero, or the existence money shots in lesbian porn.

In stock news today, it doesn't matter.  Everything is being manipulated.  Money McBags hedged his portfolio earlier this week with EPV and has been adding FAZ and GLD.  He has also sold his favorite little companies for fear of liquidity issues.  So bye bye CRUS, KITD, and CTGX.  It is a sad sad day but one must not fight the market.  Money McBags still believes in their stories and will buy them back once (and if) the market settles.  If it settles up from here, he's ok with that.  Money McBags made good money on all of those so lets take some profits off the table while the market drops like John Edwards' popularity or Hillary Duff on her engagement night.  Money McBags needs some time off rigt now because what he thought was real may be faker than Tom Cruise's marriage.  So try to enjoy the weekend.  Money Mcbags will likely be back Monday and will try to analyze companies and perhaps the market will have rallied all the way back by then and all of you who are buying right now will be enjoying bottles of Cristal and blumpkins in your seaside cabana, but be careful out there, because the retail investor is the sucker in this game and it is always better to be the suckee, than it is to be the sucker (unless you are from Transylvania).

And remember to speak well of Money McBags.

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